Your best ideas on beating loneliness

I’ve been thinking about what you wrote.

After I shared that story about feeling lonely, so many of you wrote back.

Some sent long, thoughtful notes about the ways you’re navigating disconnection and trying to build meaningful connection.

As I read through your messages, I started noticing patterns, habits that kept showing up again and again. Simple stuff that just works.

Here are the ones that stuck with me and how I’m trying to weave them into my life.

Maybe they’ll help you too.

1. Rituals Beat Calendars

I didn't expect “potluck” to be the number-one thing I heard. But it was, across all ages, genders, and locations.

Ivy had my favorite version:

My strategy for keeping up with friends who all have children (like I do) is to host a monthly potluck…Whoever can make it comes…If you miss one because the kid is sick or you’re busy, there’s always next month.

What I love about Ivy’s approach is that it solves the scheduling nightmare of modern adulthood. It used to be normal to just drop by, linger, hang out. But our muscle for unstructured time has atrophied (this Ezra Klein conversation explains why).

A recurring potluck is a workaround.

You’re not scheduling people. You’re scheduling community.

For me, potlucks are stressful because I can’t cook (well).

But the point isn’t the potluck. It’s a recurring ritual people can float in and out of.

Ryan put it perfectly:

I would not be a functional person without my bluegrass community. You only get organic 1-on-1 friendship as an adult if you join something bigger than yourself. Something that persists even if 5 or 10 or 20 people can’t show up.

Back in New York City, I belonged to this nerdy little science communication universe. People who loved performing, teaching, and making wonderfully strange things together. We met constantly. Miss one show, and you’d cross paths again at the next one.

Moving to California (and then COVID) erased so much of that.

But recently, something clicked. There’s a monthly Star Trek trivia night near me. Lowen (one of my oldest friends) and I try to go every month.

So far we’ve only made it to two out of six, but they’ve been the highlight of my social life this year. I get to hang with my buddy, meet some new people, and talk Star Trek. 

And best of all? No cooking!

The real trick is figuring out where people in your area already gather (classes, meetups, volunteering) and which of those gatherings feel like “your thing.”

2. Use Your Phone Like a Phone

Something else that surprised me was how many of you mentioned phone calls.

Not scheduled calls.

Not “we should catch up sometime” calls.

Just…calling. During the in-between moments of life.

Amitha does this:

I pick up the phone and call when I’m walking my dog or driving to work. If they’re free, we’ll talk. If not, they’ll call me back.

Seems like the best time to connect is the time you’d normally give away to scrolling or listening to other people’s conversations (podcasts).

This makes so much sense!

Because when I was a teenager, and through my 20s, I lived on the phone (mostly landline, later dumb phone). Two-hour calls weren’t rare. I’m pretty sure I had some five or six-hour calls with Nhu-An (then girlfriend, now wife).

We’d talk through everything. What we were watching, thinking, worrying about, dreaming about.

My favorite moments were when things slowed down and you weren’t sure if the other person was still awake.

But somewhere in my 30s, that disappeared.

Texting took over. Spam calls exploded. And eventually, a ringing phone started to feel like bad news.

Phone calls have friction. But friction creates depth.

And phone calls are kind of amazing when you think about it. You don’t have to look good. You don’t have to perform. You just have to be interested in another person you already care about.

So this is something I’m trying immediately. Using liminal spaces for connection instead of consumption.

Random calls to friends when I’m between things. And voice notes to my parents...because I know they’ll love to replay them.

3. Depth Over Frequency

At this point you might feel overwhelmed, like beating loneliness means filling every gap in your day.

But you don’t need constant contact. You just need meaningful contact.

Peri wrote:

Asking deeper questions helps me feel more connected…I can feel more connected to long-distance friends I hardly ever talk to than friends who live ten minutes away if they ask the right questions.

This reminds me of the famous 36 questions to fall in love and Unlikely Collaborators’ questions to get real. There are also a ton of popular card games designed around deep questions like these: 

• What does your “perfect” day look like?
• Your home catches fire, everyone is safe, but you can safely save one item. What is it?
• What do you find beautiful that most people don’t?

Maybe it’s depth of conversation.

Maybe it’s depth of time (a long walk, a long game, a long movie).

Maybe it’s depth of vulnerability, like writing a letter that feels authentic instead of polished.

That last one (letter writing) sounds like something that could fit my life right now. I can do it after my kids fall asleep and the chaos of the day is over. Maybe I can even handwrite some to take the pressure off of editing them down to “perfection”. 

And here’s your little nudge for today…

Which one of these feels doable this week?

1. A small monthly social ritual you can join (or start).  
2. Calling someone during in between time. 
3. Going deeper than you would normally go. 

Run a tiny experiment of your own.

Boldly go,
Dr. Ali