Timestamps
00:00 - Welcome
2:55- Social Anxiety Mindset Shift
49:52 - Essential Social Skills
1:34:35 - Breakthrough Anxiety Quests
1:49:59 - Q&A
Key Takeaways
- Social anxiety is not failure. It's proof that connection matters to you.
- Confidence is built through experience, not something you're born with.
- Anxiety is not the enemy—it’s like an overprotective but well-meaning friend.
- Shifting attention outward, instead of inward, is key to managing anxiety.
- Safety behaviors (like avoidance) maintain anxiety, while coping behaviors (like small steps forward) build confidence.
- Awkwardness is normal. The goal is not to avoid it but to navigate it.
Mindset Shift
“What if social anxiety isn’t proof you’re failing, but proof that you care about connection?”
- Instead of fighting anxiety, work with it. Accept that anxiety is part of human connection.
- Your brain is not broken. Social anxiety amplifies perceived threats, making neutral situations feel high-stakes.
- Confidence isn’t “no fear.” It’s learning how to act even when afraid.
Action Steps
1️⃣ Skills for Managing Social Anxiety
- The “Nose Trick” – Instead of direct eye contact, look at the nose/eyebrows to reduce intensity.
- Use Your Environment – Comment on surroundings to start conversations naturally.
- Open-ended Questions – Instead of “Do you like sports?” ask “What do you do for fun?”
- The “Yes, And” Technique – Build on what people say instead of shutting conversations down.
2️⃣ Navigating Social Anxiety in the Moment
- Shift Attention Outward – Anxiety makes you focus on yourself. Instead, focus on your surroundings.
- Use Predict-Do-Reflect – Before a situation, predict how bad it will be. Do it. Then reflect—was it as bad as expected?
- Small Wins Matter – Start with low-stakes social interactions (e.g., saying hi to a cashier) and build up.
3️⃣ Building Confidence Over Time
- Create “Quests” to Challenge Yourself – Intentionally put yourself in slightly awkward situations to build confidence.
- Separate Thoughts from Reality – Anxiety convinces you others are judging you, but most people are too busy thinking about themselves to care.
- Embrace Imperfection – Social confidence comes from experiencing awkward moments, not avoiding them, and learning you can deal with the situation.
“Awkwardness isn’t the enemy—it’s the bridge to connection.”
Coping vs. Safety Behaviors
🔴 Safety Behaviors (Keep Anxiety Strong)
🚫 Avoiding eye contact
🚫 Rehearsing conversations excessively
🚫 Leaving social events early
🟢 Coping Behaviors (Build Confidence)
✅ Practicing small talk in low-pressure situations
✅ Staying in conversations slightly longer than comfortable
✅ Accepting that awkward moments happen to everyone
Summary
- Confidence isn’t about eliminating anxiety—it’s about learning to show up despite it.
- Take one small, intentional risk today.
- Learn more about social confidence here.
Top Moments
- “What if social anxiety isn’t proof that you’re failing, but proof that connection actually matters to you?”
- “Confidence isn’t the absence of fear. It’s the decision to show up despite it.”
- “Most people aren’t judging you—they’re too busy worrying about themselves.”
- “Awkwardness isn’t a sign you’re doing something wrong—it’s the price of real connection.”
- “If your brain tells you the same negative story in every social situation, that’s not insight—it’s just noise.”
- “You don’t need to be interesting. You just need to be interested.”
- “The people you admire for their confidence? They have the same thoughts you do. They just don’t take them as seriously.”
- “Your anxiety is like an overprotective friend who warns you about everything. You don’t have to listen to them.”
- “Every time you avoid something because of social anxiety, you’re teaching your brain that it really was dangerous.”
- “Confidence is a skill, not a personality trait. And like any skill, it gets better with practice.”
Questions & Answers
Understanding Social Anxiety
What is social anxiety, and how does it affect people?
- Social anxiety is an intensified emotional response to social situations.
- Everyday interactions feel like high-stakes challenges due to fear of judgment.
- It can cause avoidance, excessive self-focus, and misinterpretations of neutral social cues.
- Unlike general shyness, social anxiety persists over time/context and impacts daily functioning.
Is confidence something people are born with?
- Confidence develops through experience, like learning to ride a bike.
- Some people are born with lower baseline anxiety, making confidence-building easier.
- Socially anxious people may need deliberate practice to gain confidence.
Why does social anxiety make small things feel overwhelming?
- Anxiety amplifies minor social risks into perceived “life or death” situations.
- New people, conversations, and public attention trigger our brain’s survival instincts.
- Neurobiology plays a role—socially anxious people process neutral faces as threats.
Managing Social Anxiety
How can I stop feeling so anxious in social situations?
- Shift attention outward – Focus on the other person or the environment, not yourself.
- Challenge safety behaviors – Instead of avoiding eye contact, try the “nose trick.”
- Use small, intentional exposures – Practice conversation skills in low-stakes situations.
How can I stop my mind from going blank in conversations?
- Your attention is hijacked by anxiety, making it hard to think of responses.
- Use the “Yes, And” technique – Build on what the other person says.
- Lower the pressure – Focus on listening rather than “performing.”
- Practice conversational “reps” – Engage in more small talk to get comfortable.
How do I deal with awkward moments?
- Awkwardness isn’t failure—it’s part of human connection.
- People don’t remember your awkward moments as much as you do.
- Reframe it as a learning experience rather than proof of incompetence.
How do I stop overanalyzing past conversations?
- Your brain prioritizes emotional memories, especially negative ones. It’s why your awkward moments feel bigger than they actually were.
- Most of what your anxiety tells you isn’t real—it’s just noise. Your brain replays these moments because it thinks they’re important, but that doesn’t mean they actually are.
- People don’t remember your mistakes the way you do. That moment you keep replaying? Others likely forgot it a long time ago.
- You don’t need to “solve” what already happened. The goal isn’t to perfectly analyze the past but to recognize that overthinking keeps you stuck.
- Redirect your attention to the present. Engage in a task, a conversation, or even a physical activity to break the rumination loop.
- Reframe it as a learning moment, not proof of failure. Instead of asking, “Why did I say that?” try, “What can I learn for next time?”
Building Social Confidence
What’s the fastest way to build confidence?
- Do small social challenges (“quests”).
- Confidence grows through exposure – Not avoiding, but engaging despite anxiety.
- Reframe anxiety as excitement – Treat nerves like fuel rather than a roadblock.
How can I get better at making friends?
- Use the “Mere Exposure Effect” – Familiarity builds connection over time.
- Start small – Consistently interact in the same places with the same people.
- Give genuine compliments – Focus on choices (e.g., “That’s a great jacket”) rather than personal traits (e.g. “You have beautiful eyes”).
How do I handle rejection?
- Rejection is part of connection – Everyone experiences it at some point.
- Normalize it – Even the most confident people face rejection regularly.
- Redefine success – Instead of avoiding rejection, aim for meaningful interactions.
What if I’m “bad at small talk”?
- Use environmental cues – Comment on something around you.
- Ask open-ended questions – Avoid yes/no questions.
- Keep it light – Not every conversation has to be deep.
Navigating Specific Social Challenges
How do I stop sweating, blushing, or physically reacting to anxiety?
- Accept it instead of fighting it – Trying to suppress physical reactions makes them worse.
- Desensitize through exposure – The more you experience it, the less it controls you.
- Experiment with cooling techniques (e.g., cold water, breathable clothing).
How do I survive networking events or parties?
- Set small, manageable goals – Example: Talk to 3 people before leaving.
- Prepare conversation starters – Use the setting as an easy entry point.
- Reframe the event as practice – You’re there to build confidence, not be perfect.
How do I handle conflict without panicking?
- Use the “DEAR MAN” technique – Structure difficult conversations clearly. Describe the situation, express how it is impacting you, assert what you need, reinforce how it will help the other person and you.
- Take a break if needed – It’s okay to step away and collect your thoughts.
- Reframe conflict as connection – Disagreements are part of every important relationship.
What if I feel like I’ll never get better?
- Feeling stuck doesn’t mean you actually are. Social anxiety convinces you that you’re uniquely broken, but that’s just the anxiety talking—not reality.
- Confidence is a skill, not a personality trait. You’re not doomed to be anxious forever—confidence is something you can build through practice, just like any other skill.
- Your anxiety isn’t a life sentence. Many people have successfully improved their social confidence—there’s no reason you can’t, too.
- Progress is about small, consistent steps. It’s not about a single “breakthrough” moment, but about gradual improvement over time—one small challenge at a time.
- You don’t have to believe in yourself right now—you just have to take the next small step. You can doubt yourself and still take action.
Seeking Help & Moving Forward
Should I get professional help for social anxiety?
- If social anxiety interferes with your daily life, therapy can be a powerful tool.
- Look for therapists trained in exposure-based approaches.
- Group therapy can be especially effective – social anxiety is a social problem and best addressed in real social situations.
How do I explain social anxiety to someone who doesn’t understand?
- Use relatable examples – “It’s like giving a speech every time I have to say hi.”
- Compare it to stage fright – Most people have experienced some form of it.
- Be honest about your needs – “I’m working on this, but here’s how you can help.”
Final Takeaway
“Confidence isn’t about eliminating anxiety—it’s about learning to act despite it.”